I think I’ve always known that I can’t have any balance in my life. On one hand, all I want to do is fuck all, literally nothing, if I could, I would lay in bed all day, sit of the sofa watching movies or series for days only getting up to piss and eat. But on the other hand I want to grow, to be better, to rise above and become a better person, yet this paralyses me as I would have to live life, go out there and do things, meeting people and be further away from my protected private space.

If I get into a feeling where I want to rest, and relax, I cannot pull myself out of that feeling to go back to work. Similarly I have difficulty switching off from work because I know I will end up chilling and to combat this I have to stay a workaholic.

My goal is to get back the life I had when I lived at home in my childhood home. Isolated, only knowing my direct next door neighbours, raised up high so I can’t feel the energy of the general population. I am desperately trying to find or create that place so I can switch off, unwind fully and release everything. I think this is the reason why I enjoy walking and sitting up at the top of the hills near me, to release, to allow nature to heal me.

I hate living in the middle of a housing area (I hate the word estate, it screams poverty), I need a house that is on it’s own, out of the way, or has it’s own plot of land to give me at least the feeling of freedom and being on my own.

I keep saying it, but never doing it at the minute because time is limited while raising 2 young children, and especially tough when one has special medical requirements, but we need to look at going on holiday to isolated places where we rent out a farm house or somewhere similar that has no one around so we can recharge and just be a family. I don’t know why but I need privacy, I need to feel like no one is watching me and to do that I literally need to go to a place where no one can watch. The hillside, the quiet country road.

That’s my goal, that is my dream, that is my purpose. To ensure my children have the same and as I did when growing up. With today’s fast paced world and lack of space and freedom, we need that place we call home, where it is safe, where it is quiet and where we relax and be as we should.

Keep going. Keep going.