I have this incredible urge to get back to zero. Back to a childlike feeling where I had nothing, no responsibilities or commitments and I could just go with the flow. But now as an adult, I have to work hard and go through all these experiences to be able to get to retirement where I have to time to be child like and have no commitments.

This will allow me the time to step back, pause and meditate for extended periods of time instead of just 10 minutes here, 5 minutes there. That way I can raise to a higher level, a higher level of consciousness maybe? I don’t know but I remember as a child realising that’s the way to do it, to move upward to a higher plain and escape this reality.

But how do I want to retire. Comfortably with energy, money and the will do go out and do things? Or will be shattered, broke and broken?

And I don’t want to go to the higher plane now because I have a family, children and I worry that I mediate and raise my consciousness to a higher plane that I will leave them behind somehow. So I have to make enough to be able to leave my family comfortable.

The higher plane awaits me but am I afraid? Afraid to even take time off to meditate incase it does move me away mentally and physically from my family? Possible.

Funny how when I am fully alone I can have this clear thoughts about life, my inner feelings and motivations.

I need more time alone, a place to just be me, where I can talk to myself and assess my life, where I’m going and what I need to do to get there.